saying goodbye

"Godbewithyou"

Right now a part of my soul is on hold, waiting to hear how a very sick, very dying friend is doing. Wondering if I’ll talk with him or see him again. Wondering what to say.

You have probably been in this place before too, where no amount of preparation seems enough, and words just too inadequate. Uncertainty enters and often that makes us hold back, afraid to do something wrong or unhelpful.

I need to remember what I know.

What people most want to hear are the same words that are helpful at any time of life: sincere words of reassurance, gratitude, and love.

And,

Please forgive me.
I forgive you.

This is not easy. Sometimes, the hurts are big and the question of forgiveness a staggering task. (A topic to come back to.) But relational work speeds up at the time of dying. What was hard yesterday has an urgency to it today. And it is ultimately easier because what is important in life gains startling clarity, as does our instinct for completion or closure.

At the bedside of a dying person, we get a glimpse into the greatest of mysteries. Touching into this liminal place can bring transformation for all involved, even in the most unlikely circumstances. A lifetime of hurt can begin to heal. What we do and say matters. Always presume the person can hear you, even if they appear to be unconscious.

It might be that we are not of the inner circle of close loved ones and our dying friend needs to have boundaries. Remember that our friend and loved one is saying goodbye to everyone, whereas we may be pre-occuppied with this one goodbye. My friend said this of goodbyes: “Awkwardness extends on both sides….peripheral people seem to think they need to see me one last time – for them, I am saying I'm receiving no more visitors, and hope they understand.”

If it’s not possible or appropriate to have a conversation in person, then a note (preferably hand-written) can convey the connection that wants to be honoured. If this isn’t possible, or if death has occurred, then the imaginal realm can offer the connection that is needed.

Simply imagine the two of you together and from a quiet, heartful place say what is needed. Picture what is needed. Time and space are pliable and forgiving when necessary. Then pause, hang out there, get comfortable, sense into the silence…

All this makes me think of this little word, goodbye, that we say nonchalantly all the time. The Oxford English Dictionary traces it to the 16th century and says it was formed by clipping or shortening “Godbewithyou.”

When words seem inadequate, the simplest one we know—goodbye—when said with intention, with a soft gaze or gentle touch, in person, in a thoughtful note, or imaginally, becomes a blessing. A wrap of love, a worthy send-off.

Something that carries on, abides in timelessness.

For you, dear friend, are surely are just a few steps ahead of me. Pointing the way.

Til we meet again,

God be with you.

Art credit: Elena Hurley

Pre-orders of Nancy’s book: The Call to the Far Shore: Carrying Our Loved Ones Through Dying, Death, and Beyond are now available through your local bookstore, Amazon, and most major booksellers.

https://www.amazon.ca/Call-Far-Shore-Carrying-through/dp/B0D9TMVNL9

From the Foreward by Robert Sardello: …Dive into the ocean-like depth of this writing … To read this book is to invite radical change, both personal change and changes in the lives of those around you… for these stories will increase the depth of your being.